Can Co-Dependence Cause Harm and Suffering To Me

A co-dependent person works so hard to control and fix someone else that his/her own life is in turmoil as a result. Because we are powerless over other people, no one can really control anyone else, and others’ troubles are mostly due to patterns only they can change, a codependent person is in for one painful disappointment after another. 

The term powerless does not mean helpless. Up until now you have been powerless over your thoughts, feelings and actions and have led you to believe that your needs should be sacrificed for others, regardless of the consequences. Co-dependency creates stress and leads to painful emotions. Shame and low self-esteem all blend together to create anxiety and fear about being judged, rejected or abandoned; making mistakes; being a failure; feeling trapped by being too close to another person or being alone. Very often the codependent’s self-esteem and self-worth comes from sacrificing themselves for their partner and their partner will gladly accept their sacrifice.   

Signs of codependency may include:

• Having difficulty making decisions in a relationship.
• Having difficulty identifying your feelings.
• Having difficulty communicating in a relationship.
• Valuing the approval of others more than valuing yourself.
• Lacking trust in yourself and having poor self-esteem.

Below are twenty questions I have created for my clients to help provide them with an understanding of their codependent relationships and the impact of their  on themselves and their partner.

If you believe you struggle with codependence, thoughtfully answer the questions below and  if you are currently working with a therapist, process your answers with your therapist.

Codependence Questions

1. What does Codependency mean to me?
2. Has my Codependence been active recently In what way?
3. How has my Codependence affected me Physically? Mentally? Spiritually? Emotionally?
4. What is the specific way in which my Codependence has been manifesting itself most recently?
5. What people in my life trigger my Codependence, how is manifested? Explain.
6. What events or my job in my life triggers my Codependence and how? Explain.
7. Have I been obsessed with a person, place or thing If so, how has that gotten in the way of my relationships with ourselves and others? 
8. How has my Codependence affected me mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally.
9. How has my Codependence impacted my relationships with my Mother, Father & siblings?
10. How has my Codependence impacted my relationships with friends?
11. How has my Codependence impacted my relationship with my girlfriend or boyfriend. 
12. How have I blamed other people for my Codependent behavior?
13. What has happened recently in my life that has led me to work on my Codependence?
14. When did I first recognize my Codependence as a problem Did I try to correct it? If so, how If not, why not 
15. How has my Codependence isolated me from developing relationships with other people?
16. I’ve done things while acting out on my Codependence that I wish never happened What were they? Has my Codependence caused me to hurt others or myself? Explain.
17. What things have I done to maintain my Codependence that went completely against all my beliefs and values?
18. How does my personality change when I’m acting out on my Codependence (For example: Do I become arrogant? Self-centered Mean- tempered? Manipulative? Whinny?) Passive to the point where I can’t protect / stand up for myself? 
19. If I put my needs before others does that make me a selfish / inconsiderate person? If not why not? If so, why?
20. How has my lack of boundaries connected to my Codependence?