Four Tips for Lasting Behavioral Changes

Many parents come into therapy seeking help with their child’s behavior.  From big meltdowns to fights with siblings, parents wonder the best way to handle behavior challenges.  These four tips have been shown to help children develop skills to handle life more effectively while nurturing a parent’s relationship with their child.  
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1. Connect: When children are dysregulated, we often ask too much of them at that moment. Connecting with your child in an empathetic and loving way is the first step to supporting behavioral change. Let them know you are on the same team and there to support them. When a child is dysregulated, their amygdala (emotional control system of the brain) is firing and producing big chemical changes in their bodies. It is unlikely your child will listen to your requests or have logical thoughts during that time. Instead, connect first. Get down to your child’s level and voice your observation of their feelings, acknowledging their upset and how hard things feel for them at that moment. 
2. Shift Your Perspective:  To best support your child, look closely at the reason they are misbehaving. For example, your child may be avoiding their homework because they are struggling to keep up in class. Maybe they feel sad over the lack of special time with a parent and are acting out to get any form of attention. Holding the belief that your child is reserving their bad behavior for you leads to further strain and discord. Once the underlying function of your child’s behavior is better understood, it opens up a space of compassion, which in turn nurtures your relationship with your child. 
3. Use Misbehavior as a Teaching Moment: When children are misbehaving, there is an opportunity to teach them something new, once they have calmed down. They can learn about themselves, develop new problem-solving skills and better ways to interact with others.Instead of yelling at your child or threatening a consequence, which causes fear and further dysregulation, you can connect and use the misbehavior as a teaching moment. Once they are regulated, explore with your child other ways they could have responded to your request or tools they could have used to cope with their frustration. 
4. Model Regulated Behavior: Sometimes we expect so much from our children and yet still slip up as adults with our own anger management, self-discipline, or ability to let go. As parents, it is important to look at our own behaviors and take responsibility for areas that could use improvement. Learning to take a break to cool down can be invaluable. When setting a limit, loving and firm language will be more effective than yelling in the long run. 

What we know about harsh discipline: Despite the fact that fear-inducing discipline such as spanking and yelling can sometimes stop a behavior in the short-term, these tactics are unhealthy for developing brains and can lead to issues with self-esteem, aggression, and trust. Instead of using fear to stop an undesirable behavior, take a moment and decide to shift your approach. Help your child to expand coping and regulation skills that will over time become hardwired and continue to support them throughout their life.